The Associated Press entered a period of mourning this week following confirmation that 1,200 migrants had tragically become someone else's immigration policy. According to the wire service's solemn accounting, the individuals have been successfully reclassified from a humanitarian concern requiring attention to an administrative concern requiring forwarding. The transition was described as both complete and deeply regrettable, with the regret scheduled to be observed remotely. Officials familiar with the principles of immigration management explained that…
WASHINGTON — Senator Elizabeth Warren, the Massachusetts Democrat long associated with calls for tougher oversight of large financial institutions and stronger consumer protections, has reportedly urged Wall Street to cease its looting of America, prompting widespread interpretation that the nation's…
WASHINGTON — America stood at a philosophical crossroads this week after the executive branch under President Donald Trump moved to end taxpayer-funded benefits for illegal immigrants, prompting warnings from Democrats that the nation is in danger of becoming a country…
WASHINGTON — Federal officials have moved to clarify one of the more persistent misunderstandings in immigration policy, explaining that the word temporary was included in Temporary Protected Status primarily for branding purposes and should not be interpreted as a reference…
MINNEAPOLIS — Minnesota's political establishment was rocked this week after a candidate for Congress floated what experts are calling a dangerously novel concept: stop stealing Minnesota's money. The idea was introduced by John Nagel, a retired Minnesota state trooper with…
LOS ANGELES — The City of Los Angeles has unveiled an innovative new partnership opportunity between the average citizen and municipal government, in which civic engagement is measured directly in wasted dollars. Mayor Karen Bass, the current holder of City…
Local Democratic Socialists Prove Socialism Works, But Only After Capitalism Has Already Worked For Your Parents In a breakthrough for economic theory, the Democratic Socialists of America have reportedly demonstrated that collective ownership and radical redistribution are entirely viable lifestyle…
WASHINGTON — Senator Bernie Sanders this week called for higher taxes on wealthy Americans, citing a poll showing broad public support for making the rich pay more, and triggering a familiar Washington ritual in which everyone agrees the rich should pay more while disagreeing intensely about who counts as rich. Conservatives quickly accused the Vermont senator of hypocrisy, pointing to his own status as a millionaire with multiple properties as evidence that his definition of…
California has officially solved its homelessness crisis this week after state officials unveiled an innovative new approach to housing policy involving a revised dictionary. Under the new framework, structures previously categorized as tents will henceforth be classified as affordable housing…
WASHINGTON — The nation has finally resolved the complex question of when a person is permitted to be afraid, following a thorough review of Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez's experience during the January 6, 2021 attack on the U.S. Capitol complex. According…
SPAIN SOLVES ILLEGAL IMMIGRATION AT STROKE OF PEN, STUNS BUREAUCRATS WHO FAVORED MORE COMPLICATED METHODS MADRID — In a decisive break with the prevailing European consensus that illegal immigration should be addressed through tougher enforcement, accelerated deportations and greater border…
Cuba Introduces 176 Capitalist Reforms To Save Socialism From What Socialism Did In a decisive defense of socialist principles, Cuba has announced its most extensive package of market-oriented economic reforms in decades, carefully deploying capitalism to rescue socialism from the…
Academy Praised For Nuanced Approach To Condemning Violence After Scheduling It Between Commercial Breaks HOLLYWOOD — Hollywood has reiterated its longstanding opposition to toxic masculinity, male aggression and physical violence, following a brief interlude in March 2022 during which much…
WNBA Forms Task Force To Determine What The ‘W’ Stands For The WNBA has announced it will deploy its most powerful bureaucratic instrument to resolve an August 2026 debate over whether transgender women should be eligible to compete in the…
America's Long National Experiment In Consistent Messaging Concludes Successfully, Officials Announce In the spring of 2020, after months of instructing Americans to remain home, maintain physical distance and avoid unnecessary contact to slow the spread of the coronavirus, the nation's public health establishment faced a novel ethical dilemma and resolved it with admirable creativity. The dilemma arose after the killing of George Floyd in Minneapolis, when tens or hundreds of thousands of people gathered outdoors…
The Women's Tennis Association, an organisation whose very name had for decades brazenly suggested it had some connection to women, was this week accused of discrimination for attempting to determine who is eligible to play in women's tennis. The uproar…
WASHINGTON — Democrats announced this week that they are staunchly opposed to the practice of naming prominent Washington buildings after politicians, speaking from directly beneath the signage of a prominent Washington building named after a politician. The objection follows an…
WASHINGTON — Faced with the troubling prospect that crime in the nation's capital might continue to fall, Democratic leaders this week intensified their calls for President Donald Trump to withdraw National Guard troops and scale back the expanded federal law-enforcement…
CAMBRIDGE — In the wake of a federal court ruling that dismissed a Trump administration lawsuit accusing Harvard University of violating federal civil-rights law by failing to adequately protect Jewish students from antisemitic harassment, the university has unveiled a forward-looking…
WASHINGTON — In a remarkable advance for political science, Democrats have discovered that four-dollar gasoline is a matter of urgent national concern, a finding that arrived on schedule with a Republican in the White House. The discovery was documented by…
ST. PAUL — Following intense scrutiny over its failure to detect large-scale fraud in government-funded social-service programs, Minnesota has announced a major modernization of its oversight approach centered on administrative simplicity and trust. Officials unveiled a new Fraud Detection System…